Peace

So, I'm not the best at keeping a journal. Never have been. However, lately I've been feeling a need to reconnect with myself, define my priorities, cultivate a more meaningful life. There are some important things missing in my life. At the top of my list is gratitude. I have a beautiful life, one that deserves more appreciation. I believe that this is where this blog needs to take me. I'm going to attempt to convert this space into one that will help me live a better, more peaceful life. So without further ado, what I'm grateful for at this moment:

1. Adrian's robot dance moves. (This child is my happy place)
2. A flexible work schedule that will enable me to make money and still spend more time with my kids
3. Dave's unending patience with me
4. The sunroom full of windows and my children's artwork
5. My cozy bedroom
6. A summer wide open and full of possiblity

I need to parent my children with the future in mind. What do I want them to remember about me as their mother? Was I patient and supportive? Or, was I critical and demanding? I'm not doing the job I set out to do 12 years ago, but I can change that starting today. Who cares what others think! There will always be the negative people in life. I will lead with love and firm resolve that they are good and worthy. I will put my own life insecurities into perspective so they do not tarnish the lives of my children.

Peace out.

Typing while Arcade Fire plays downstairs...

The kids are on Spring Break this week and I have to work. I spent the better part of this morning packing bags and shepherding the kids down to Leavenworth for the week where they will spend time with their Grandparents. I am almost drunk on the quiet, imagining the days ahead. Without a doubt, Dave and I are going to luxuriate in the peace and solitude and our ability to be spontaneous. (And also have lots of loud sex.) I have finally gotten to the place in my life where I can look at my children with such love and adoration and yet not miss them at all while they are away. I don't long to have any more children, any more babies, or even hold them again at that early stage for even a moment. I love my kids. I love their ability to laugh, tell jokes, have friends and experiences all their own. I love watching their very different personalities emerge and develop and I love imagining all the amazing adventures they have in front of them. In short, I love that my children have lives of their own. And now I am going to enjoy reclaiming mine. I have been working on my Life List and trying not to dwell on the regret I have for failing to do certain things when I was younger. I try to remind myself that I'm not THAT old. I have been thinking about the following:

*Botox. Fuck it. I am not growing old gracefully.
*Shoes. I love shoes. Why don't I have more of them?
*Dating. Yes, I'm married but when did we stop having fun together? I want more...adventure? I don't know. Something. And I want to have it with Dave.
*Facebook. God, it's retarded. I'm so glad that my teens and twenties were not spent tied to my cell phone or laptop, texting, tweeting, and blogging. Jesus kids, go out and live life.
*Make-up. I just replaced all my make-up and feel like a million bucks. Should have done it sooner
*My figure. Thanks Nanny! God, I love being thin. I'm going to squeeze into a bikini when we got to the beach in June and relish every second of it. Really, I'm not that old.

Resolved

2010 is here and with it a new list of resolutions.

1. Take a photograph each day
2. Develop a thoughtful life list and accomplish at least one goal
3. Travel
4. Read 25 books
5. Display more patience and gratitude to those around me

Which one will I actually keep this year?

Let it be the last.